slalom-speaking

Diversion

2010-05-05T17:15:00.001+01:00

For more recent words, please go here: The Mortal BathThanks.

You don't say?

2009-03-13T09:05:00.006Z

Hot off the presses! Drug resource centre DrugScope has revealed that Greater Manchester Police research indicates a shocking and unexpected connection... Cocaine link to violent behaviourwho'dathunkit?

Too much monkey business

2009-02-20T09:27:00.007Z

A New York Post cartoon suggesting that Washington's "inept" attempts to save the world from fiduciary catastrophe may not be up to much has caused a certain amount of disquiet at its perceived racist undertones. A swift apology followed from the Post, who nonetheless seemed a bit baffled by the vehement criticism of what they saw as a topical reference, implying that legislation intended to

SATOR AREPO TENET OPERA ROTAS etc

2009-01-08T07:35:00.006Z

Happy New Year!Economic privation, human stalemate in Gaza, seasons changing in the wrong order for the birds. It all ties in when you let it... so thanks to this unknown, unfortunate ski-lift dude for providing the globe with a significator.The BBC article continues: "Photos show the man naked from his waist to his knees, swinging from one leg"Says Waite:"12. The Hanged Man.The figure of a man

The darkness of this house has got the best of us

2008-07-04T10:06:00.000+01:00

Browsing the morning press, I come across this gift-to-satire headline.David Gray Warns On Torture MusicWhat, has he got a new album out?It's writing itself, as me and m'colleagues keep saying. Actually, fair play to the useless twunt. I know I usually say "BabylOFF" when I hear mention of him and his irritating music, but I can always switch channels. If I had a bag over my head, a rottweiler

You can stick your Magna Carta up your arse

2008-06-12T09:02:00.003+01:00

“We are the worst in the west! We are the worst in the west! We can lock people up without charge for up to 42 days! We have beaten Magna Carta! We have beaten habeas corpus, a cornerstone of democracy! The Barons, the Whigs, Emmeline Pankhurst, Henry Hunt, the Chartists, William Morris, Lord Steyn – we have beaten them all. We have beaten them all! James Somersett, can you hear me? James

Water lot of nonsense!

2008-02-12T09:49:00.000Z

The last thing I wrote about was the targeted adverts from Googlemail, referring to the stupidly specific items available for people with too much money and a love of the gadget. I got another one this morning, prompted, I presume, by a Scottish pal's subject line 'A wee visit', meaning a visit of small yet perfectly formed size. Astonishingly literalist computer software thought I might be

Up against the wall #323,237

2008-02-06T12:02:00.001Z

The decline of what we laughing til we sobbingly call Western civilisation continues unchecked as a Google spyware sidebar commercial link informs me that I am now able to purchase a 'Teatool (TM)'.The inventor, Dr Martin Almond [at which point the whole concept began to seem like an elaborate hoax perpetrated specifically to wind me up] expects to receive £5.45 for each 'Teatool (TM)'. That's

Widespread gusset anxiety

2008-01-21T10:33:00.000Z

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck, it's January the 21st of January, 2008! And I never even said 'happy new year' to the cyberworld. Do we still call it that? It seems like an age, is it Web 3.0 now? I can't keep up.Great, so 2008 sees me in an enthusiastic frame of mind, and what could be better to ease one back into the blogosphere than the juxtapositioning of Paxman and pants?He says - and I'm going to have

Under Dubya's tree, from Osama, hugs & kisses

2007-12-07T16:56:00.000Z

While having a little holiday weekend up North recently the Hornby landscapes, Airfix kits and shiny stuff in the window of a toy emporium, the Monk Bar Model Shop, caught the eye. In we went, marvelling at the intricacies of the models, the attention to detail, the whiff of train set, etc, etc, in a happily distracted mode of nostalgia and pre-Christmas random gift perusing.I used to make the

Dethpicable!

2007-12-07T16:37:00.000Z

Intriguing snippet found on the world's premier free smut network, Youporn.comDaffy: The Wilderness Years

Pedalphilia

2007-11-15T18:24:00.000Z

You may have seen/heard the one about the bloke caught apparently humping his bike by now...Avoiding the obvious jokes about what passes for entertainment in Ayrshire - be it the hapless frotterer himself or the cleaners with nothing better to do than barge in on paying guests and then shop them for doing weird stuff in the privacy of their own room - readers of this or my other blog might know

BUMbledore more like

2007-10-21T11:23:00.000+01:00

Billionaire writer and celebrity M.I.L.F. J.K. Rowling has revealed that Professor Dumbledore, the principal bibliomancer of the Harry Potter saga, is gay.In a curious Moebius strip trail of self-congratulation, the usual suspects [Peter 'actually straight' Tatchell, for example] emerged during the week to applaud this retro-active character development. Growling gushed to fans: "I would have

Tale from an Accelerated Culture

2007-09-25T13:46:00.000+01:00

Saturday morning, I'm on my way to get the train north to watch the football. I am hungover, I need food, I need a pen. Huge queues for every single shop in the station at King's Cross lead me out of the terminal building, through the underpass [newly refurbished and free of the odour of piss, drink and urgent sex you might once have associated with the area; well, so far anyway] to resurface on

See, Naples and Diet

2007-09-20T10:12:00.000+01:00

I have got over myself. Adopting the nickname 'Two-Blogs', let's rock. Life's too short and all that.Now, turning our attention to the world wide web... Italians have this week gone bonkers about rice ['Having a paddy' if you won't]. Context... [shimmery screen and harps flashback]Mass protests were being encouraged in Italy [apparently, as yon link notes, with [stereo]typical Italian ambivalence

Last slalom-speaking blog

2007-07-11T19:57:00.000+01:00

It's often the way. There have been occasional moments where, for me, there's been comment worthy of note on this blog, and occasional moments where I just feel like I've been typoing for the sake of it. I always meant 'slalom-speaking' to be about veering between topics, but recently I've only ever felt inclined to write bilious - so I haven't bothered - or fatuous, so I've chucked in a funny

A world in a grain of sand

2007-07-10T12:08:00.000+01:00

I just read this little bit of speculation:"The Tech Lab: Charles Stross UK science fiction writer Charles Stross, author of novels Accelerando and Singularity Sky, posits a future in which all human experience is record[ed] on devices the size of a grain of sand.

Culture and culling

2007-06-29T09:55:00.000+01:00

I love the way Ticketmaster, 3 download and the like have some sort of cultural filter/compression device going on, with all bands levelled out to equal status [One Market Under God]. "Don't miss Kaiser Chiefs"trumpets the Ticketmaster email update. Well, if they'd just hold still...

If you want a picture of the future...

2007-06-28T14:31:00.000+01:00

Cabinet reshuffle. Jack Straw. Minister of Justice. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.And where are they cloning these Milibands? Milibank Tower? Gah!Never mind the "Here's your new leader, everyone - rejoice!" pictures yesterday. "Woah, did I miss an election?" "GETINTHEBACKOFTHEVAN!!!"

A number of items

2007-06-24T22:17:00.000+01:00

Previously, on slalom-speaking...For the first time I posted something and then just took it down... it wasn't that bad, just a bit pointless and bitter. Anyway, I'm sick of writing about stuff I think is cack in such passionate tones. [It was about the Kaiser Chiefs, 'everything is average nowadays', a chance hearing of which was multi-layered and multi-faceted in its revulsive qualities.

'Mis-pronounciation'.

2007-06-10T18:04:00.000+01:00

Listening to 'The Only Chart That Counts' - although obviously it needs to use fingers and toes, and perhaps remove some clothing as well - this afternoon revealed something called 'Umbrella' to be selling well. [To be read in the voice of a bemused high court judge asking 'What is a Gazza?']...Maybe it's the rap superstar combining with cutie; maybe it's the the sexed-up video, featuring Rihanna

We are no longer the Knights who say 'Ni'.

2007-06-08T08:38:00.000+01:00

More Big Brother frolics with language..."...pressure group Mediawatch condemned Channel 4's decision to broadcast the word."Being an active avoidant of Big Brother this time [to the feeble extent that I left the lounge, went into the bedroom and turned the radio on when My Good Lady switched to Channel 4 the other night - I felt bad sitting next to her with my fingers in my ears, going 'La la la

Band name generator spam

2007-06-08T08:28:00.000+01:00

'We bet you wouldn't mind to become a super hot bedstar for your non-satisfied girlfriend!'Indeed no. Super hot bedstar though! In at number seven...

Too many protest singers

2007-06-06T11:45:00.001+01:00

I saw a 'news item' [man bites dog, etc] last week, but I couldn't be bothered acknowledging it. It's a slow day at work.Where, as I have observed on occasions prior to this, to even begin? 'Horrific ordeal'? Well, nobody made you do it, you stupid cunt. And what kind of animal rights protest involves eating dead animals? And a corgi, at that? This has to be one of the most annoying 'protests'

Infospam

2007-06-04T15:45:00.000+01:00

'The corpora cavernosa are the two bodies of erectile tissue on each side of the penis.'I can't say I learned nothing at work today, anyway. The most informative email subject yet!

Charmless mag

2007-06-03T11:51:00.000+01:00

Something must be amiss when the Sunday papers no longer afford anything in the way of enjoyment, instead only goading my sensitive cultural antennae into a quivering fury of cognitive dissonance and disgust. Reading the hard copy of the new look Independent on Sunday has resulted in a world record number of utterances of the word 'gah', narrowly pipping the last time I watched an episode of Big

Happy Bobmas!

2007-05-24T11:41:00.000+01:00

Bob Dylan, we salute you as you blow out the candles on your groaning birthday cake.Photograph by Matthew Rolston from Rolling Stone'On his sixty-sixth birthdayHe already is an old man'

A-ha a-ha a-hacchhh

2007-05-15T13:00:00.000+01:00

Excellent, a stupid article to cheer me up as well. This non-story, about the impending smoking ban in public places in the UK, was in The Guardian the other day as well, and was bollocks then. As if jazz - or rock music, or fucking any kind of music for that matter - is anything to do with smoking.I think the most disappointing aspect is that all sorts of people are viewing it as emblematic of

'Sweet blessings from [reads] Pierre Dominguez, it says here.'

2007-05-15T09:04:00.000+01:00

Post seasonal adjustment disorder? The belief that one has never 'achieved anything of worth, anything that rhymed with my conceptions, my dreams (for those were fine; of that, I certain)?' [Lypiatt in Antic Hay] Or just feeling a bit of a mardy bum? I suspect (c).Still, it's hard to maintain an expression of pained sensitivity/wallow in your own chemical imbalances like some ghastly French poet

Fire and water

2007-04-30T13:42:00.000+01:00

I have long anticipated that a musician would just give away entire product online, now here it is: North London underachievers The Crimea release a free album, speculating that the increase in publicity and fanbase will lead to more gigs, merchandise, appearances, etc. Worked for Gnarls Barkley, obviously...Although 'Lottery Winners on Acid' got pretty much constant rotation round our way when

Woofentones #1

2007-04-27T12:46:00.000+01:00

Here is the theme music to an imaginary TV show from the 1980s. Along the lines of 'Knight Rider', 'Airwolf', 'Street Hawk' etc... I always envisaged a 'super boat' series, only to be thwarted by some feeble Hulk Hogan vehicle.[HAHA! 'vehicle...']The original Fruity Loops [primitive sequencing tool used by primitive sequencing tools, version 3 when I was writing this stuff, now up to version

sometimes you have to go backwards to go forwards

2007-04-27T11:59:00.000+01:00

Having started, deleted and restarted this post about fifteen times, swithering between manifesto, apologia, rant and explanatory head notes, I decided instead to just say 'oh bondage, up yours!'. More news on exciting produkty directly, but now... I present the first in a [hopfeully increasingly frequent] diversions into non-epistolary expression plundered from the vaults at Chateau Wolfenstein.

Toilet humour from work

2007-04-23T11:38:00.000+01:00

Luckily I get to read and mess about with text for a living. Today one of the transcripts contained this:"In the broader geopolitical area, diversity is critical and it is interesting to observe the situation in the Netherlands , where they are looking at the storage of massive amounts of gas through the purchase of Norwegian Troll gas."Pass the sprouts, Lars! IT'S FOR THE GOOD OF THE PLANET.

Enjoy the silence

2007-04-20T09:00:00.000+01:00

Regular readers of this blah will perhaps be wondering where my scintillating chat has gone. There has been little to exercise me. I grow disillusioned with the form. It's been sunny. Whatever. Here's a picture of a lovely horse.

A Passion for Chocolate

2007-03-30T10:23:00.000+01:00

Sometimes it's just too easy. The magic of RSS means you switch on the PC to this kind of item, about a life size chocolate sculpture of Jesus.Fantastic. But the predictable moaning from the Catholic Church in America fails to capitalise on what is surely the most obvious potential recruitment bonanza they've had in years. Surely people will flock to join the flock when they hear what's on offer

Sort of free at last

2007-03-29T13:30:00.000+01:00

This morning's news of the brand new £5.3 million gorilla enclosure at London Zoo was deeply affecting. Some simian sympathies must have stirred inside - this photo of chief primate Bobby:and the caption 'It is the first time Bobby, the male in the group, has seen the sky without bars since he was captured as a baby in Guinea.'... had me welling up.I suspect your blogger has been reading too much

The Sole of Destiny

2007-03-24T10:25:00.000Z

I recall I was nattering to m'colleague Andy - as to be found at The Breezy Call blog, see the list on the left - about nice this 'n nice that and distressing t'other... Matters turned to accidents of geography, where animals' paths cross to devastating effect. (Forgive the voiceover tone of that last sentence. I've been engrossed in the BBC's excellent documentary number Planet Earth,

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! North Americans

2007-03-22T21:02:00.000Z

To the Astoria in Charing Cross Road, London Village (a week ago this Thursday) to see LCD Soundsystem, as previewed breathlessly in the last post. A charmingly scuffed venue, the sort of thing ripe for getting bought by Carling and turned into a boozeodrome... and perhaps ruined, which would still be an improvement on just getting shut and replaced with more retail outlets - which you can find

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

2007-03-15T12:15:00.000Z

I haven't written anything for ages. Nothing to say, nothing to say about.But! LCD Soundsystem at the Astoria tonight...... yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!

That 'bit of a mouthful' joke in full

2007-02-11T15:01:00.000Z

Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov could be the next president of Turkmenistan by monday. He's a former dentist... the juxtaposition of his name and prior career are keeping me chuckling this afternoon as I prepare to celebrate my birthday.'Kurby' looks askance.Kurbs update: He is now the President of Turkmenistan.

And now, some corn for poppin'

2007-02-08T23:57:00.000Z

We knew in advance that there would be snow. It's a regional pastime, making a big deal out of not- very- extraodinary weather. One million Londoners apparently unable to make it into work due to an overnight blizzard of munchkin proportions - Swedish and Finnish friends laughing down the phone... we did our part here in the tundral wastes of SE4. A quick trip to Hilly Fields before breakfast

Groundhog Day

2007-02-02T12:30:00.000Z

Today is 'Groundhog Day', both in the 'here we are at work again, let it end, let it end! like in the film starring Bill Murray' sense, and in the actual-festival-in-America sense.Proving that Americans can do whimsy as well as the next anthropomorphed rodent, the massy marmoset Punxsutawney Phil emerged - live via webcam! - from the burrow at Gobbler's Knob - NO, REALLY - in his official

Depends on where you're standing, obviously

2007-02-01T10:49:00.000Z

Shell oil group have announced profits of £13billion, or $25billion.That's THIRTEEN BILLION POUNDS, a 13 with nine zeroes after it if you're on the short scale.On my current salary, I would have to work for 520,000 years to see this many zeroes in my 'paid in' column.If I were a favela dweller on "less than a dollar a day" [see also this study], it'd be, well, about 68 million years.If I actually

Hogwatch

2007-01-25T12:09:00.000Z

I love the word 'hog'. It's so splendidly archaic. It has a number of applications - go the whole hog, hog the limelight, one can be a hog if one insists on troughing food long past the point of satiety [an activity I have a particularly snouty affection for]... living high on the hog, hog heaven... as well, of course, as describing an animal which has given so much to farming and language, the

crackle ephemerides

2007-01-23T09:05:00.000Z

The usual sprinkling of spam of a morning - but there's a change in the tone. I note a growing sense of self-assurance in the random word generating programmes which are either unduly concerned with my reproductive organs or attempting to get me to show an interest in the stock of obscure companies.In the case of the former type of mail, er, shot, they have moved from caveman-drawing spurty-nob '

Big Bother [redux]

2007-01-18T09:33:00.000Z

This is the last post I shall ever do on a TV show. Some years ago I switched off the telly when Vanesa Feltz was featured as a panellist on an afternoon current affairs programme, on the reasonable basis that I wanted no part of a society in which Vanessa Feltz was a cultural arbiter.Gradually I drifted back to the box. Well, no more. I've had another such Damascan moment. Celebrity Big Brother:

Pitchforked off

2007-01-12T14:33:00.000Z

See, Pitchfork. I used to read them as a matter of course - useful and verbose information on music news, kind of NME crossed with the Wire - until I got so frustrated with their odious digitally precise degree of anal fanboy dissection ['6.3 out of 10' I fucking ask you] and occasional preposterous know-it-all politically naive posturing ['Dude, are you being ironic?' 'I don't even know any more

That top twelve in full

2007-01-09T15:13:00.000Z

I mentioned Amy Winehouse in passing in the last post... I like that song a lot, and it occurred to me that I should do something very conventionally zine-ish [coming this year! slalom-speaking in hard copy...] and bung up a top ten of my favourite tunes from last year. There was going to be a brief digressive grumble about Nick Hornby and 'pop chartism' [because now downloads are included they '

Mulled whine: My bottom three xmas ads

2006-12-29T17:54:00.000Z

I feel festive. Mercifully, all the preposterous 'Magick of the Holidays' adverts have by now been whipped offscreen, to be replaced with less pretend solstitial bonhomie, more 'Look, products. This way.' Mind you, it's been the same shit every year since I started paying attention and not just diving into the pile of presents with pine needle-scattering glee, so I'm hardly breaking new grounds

Politics is merely the decoy of perception

2006-12-07T14:07:00.000Z

http://www.minusequalsplus.org/blog/I'm thinking what they're thinking.

if my colours all run dry

2006-12-05T11:29:00.000Z

The news that humans plan to build a base on the moon is - as ever - a giant leap and a sickening lurch for my heart.Part of me grew up in the certainty that we'd be in silver jumpsuits toting hoverboards - maybe that's 5000 miles east of where we [note extrapolative 3rd person] are - and responding to this other, kind of glib, BBC article, and being a fan of HHGTTG - h2G2, pah! - since first

...not you two though.

2006-11-29T15:12:00.000Z

I was scurrying across town to attend to some optometrical business on my lunch just there - being a cubicle gopher has ruined my eyesight, official! - and up and down the escalators of the tube there were the usual little posters advertising shoes, finance, West End musicals, sexy underwear, etc. In fact in some of the more modish stations they have electronic screens, which sweep expensive

Dominus in sanctum

2006-11-23T13:08:00.000Z

I discovered there's a monastery on my street this week. This is particularly entertaining given that the street is two rows of terraced houses in very residential south east London. But there they are at number 69 - the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate Maria House "Our Lady Coredemptrix".This revelation came about because there was, until last saturday morning, a huge metal filing cabinet

Defiant To The Last Weeks' Chip Wrappers

2006-11-14T09:30:00.000Z

[This is a week of consideration, no interweb and busy, busy work late.]It was Bonfire Night in the UK: ‘Remember, remember the 5th of November, gunpowder treason and plot… I see no reason why gunpowder treason should ever be forgot…’ So we let off fireworks and perhaps burned effigies of Guido Fawkes, a terror suspect from the 17th century, but mainly doing the

Today's chip wrappers

2006-11-14T09:08:00.000Z

Yesterday, TheLondonPaper [shit freebie rag with the ad-line 'We live London'... they not like prepositions, too, presumably...] had this intriguing headline: BRUNEL UNI ‘BREEDING TERRORISTS’ What, like, in petri dishes? Test tubes? Those big tanks like in 'Star Wars II: Attack of The Clones'? I don’t know about you, but I’m fucking worried.

relaying the avatarmac

2006-11-02T13:14:00.000Z

I grew bored with the Nathan Barley aspects of the pic what was accompanying these burblings. Here's one that more accurately reflects my role in universal affairs - Mark from Battle of the Planets. Heh!Other items: finally, a 'blog of note' that isn't total catpiss! And a similarly cartoon-buffered approach to reality:http://adoptamicrobe.blogspot.com/good, and informative, work...

The me pod

2006-10-15T10:29:00.000+01:00

I preface this by noting that the inspiring article Oh no, not Steely Dan again [by which I mean suggestive rather than life-changing] from the Manchester Guardian's website [which, like the BBC's, is an example of an existing media node 'getting it so right, IMHO'] is almost completely objectionable in concept. That it is an 'edited extract' implies a number of scenarios, the principal one being

Vorsprung durch technik

2006-10-01T13:43:00.000+01:00

We were on the train back from Brighton the other week. It was packed with people returning to London after a day out and the like. Our day out had been nice. The weather was warm and sunny, perhaps the end of the summer [as I type this, thunder rumbles outside and the rain drums on the skylights very soothingly].I had bought small jars of quince jam and tapenade from BBC employees moonlighting

The sky is beginning to bruise...

2006-09-25T13:11:00.000+01:00

It's one of those 'autumn is upon us' days.The manager at work [slightly fous French gent] came into the office and remarked that it looks like the end of the world... rather oddly, I had, moments before, looked out of the window and wondered if I should expect strange beasts riding across the heavens. A none-more-black sky bulks over the heavy green of trees moping in the rain. A wildcat did

wonderful spam, lovely spam!

2006-09-20T10:11:00.000+01:00

Fellow drones may recognise the following, or variants thereof:"[***SPAM*** Score/Req: 3.0/1.5] Brand new Rock hard manhood, multiple explosions and several times more semen volumeDear customer.Achieve astounding results in bed with these products designed to make any man a winnerEnhanced male power and unlimited prowess with your girl The best products for the winning guysHave more success with

No, seriously, you fucking tube.

2006-09-07T12:30:00.000+01:00

Tube being a slangese word for idiot, space cadet...A slight return on an earlier piece about animal abuse [Horse Feathers].Today's news:Turkey Twizzlers Secret Recipe RevealedOf Mice and FuckwitsI mean, the first one is pretty deranged, but when you think about why we have so many animals cooped up in the first place, it leads one down a dietary/moral path that I discuss at greater length in the

Crocked

2006-09-04T07:50:00.000+01:00

Boo! Steve Irwin - brilliant and mad as hats Australian naturalist - has died. A stingray got him, in what was clearly a contract killing funded by irritated aquatic reptiles.Ah well - as he used to say, 'It's harsh, but that's nature's way.'

The Wicker Man: Evil, Evil, EVILLLLLL

2006-09-01T08:46:00.000+01:00

I am quite exercised about this, and anyone who's seen the original version of the film will surely be in accord: whatever do the assorted makers, backers and promoters of the new version of The Wicker Man think they're doing?Exhibit A:Early trailer posters for the movie - UK versions - featuring the burning Wicker Man icon and the phrase 'Evil is waiting.' I stirred uncomfortably in my

New shirt

2006-08-22T22:30:00.000+01:00

Just thought I'd try a different look... as soon as I get HTML sussed, I'm going to knock through here, get some windows put in, convert the loft...

'looking Islamism in the eye'

2006-08-20T11:19:00.000+01:00

This neat phrase from Nick Cohen the Observer this sunday encapsulates a lot of recent comment in Britain. By 'neat' I imply well-chosen for purpose and also tidy, as in rug-sweeping occlusion. The connotation is that we, the rational scientifically-argued secular west/Observer readers [conflation], must confront 'Islamism', over its apparent unwillingness to accept responsibility for the

Dalliance with dwarves

2006-08-18T13:57:00.000+01:00

Fan-fucking-tastic and drily reported news story from the BBC [my favourite font of knowledge], about a Phillipine judge, Florentino Floro who was [defrocked? derobed? debenched? It matters not, he is clearly demented] given the gavel for consorting with imaginary little people.The dwarves - who the judge names as Armand, Luis and Angel - are understood to be appealing. [Insert hilarious

the war on sense continues

2006-08-16T22:24:00.000+01:00

Britain has issued a stark warning that Europe faces a 'very real threat' from terrorism. This is a considerable escalation from the previous level of threat, which was 'moderately real', but still some way away from an 'absolutely real threat', which observers note would be pretty realistic.Said Home Secretary John Reid: 'We believe that issuing this emphasised reality check should shake some

I don't think I can handle this

2006-08-16T14:25:00.000+01:00

Thankfully, Beyoncé Knowles has been enjoying a creative surge.Her ahead-of-schedule new album which is: 'appropriately entitled B-Day.'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Is that B-Day as in Bidet or Buh-day?I depend on B.

More from our volcano correspondent

2006-08-11T14:14:00.000+01:00

Now this is what science should be used for. Lava guided melodies!The researchers involved hope to use similar vulco-musical passages to predict eruptions in other volcanoes. BUT - what if one of the volcanoes is all Wagner orchestral drama and another is 'Rrrrright! Now... haahahahahaaa... Iiiii am an anti-CHRIST!' [et cetera]? Would Etna be a sell-out? 'It's done nothing since Pompeii...''I

Mayon, East of Manila

2006-08-09T11:01:00.000+01:00

From the 'ongoing awe at the natural world' folder:Mount Mayon in the Phillipines could undergo a 'major eruption' in conjunction with the full moon today, scientists conjecture. Bad news if you're nearby, I thought... read on, read on...'The volcano has been spewing lava and flaming rocks the size of cars in a quiet but steady eruption since last month.'QUIET BUT STEADY! 'Flaming rocks the size

Orange sort of rhymes with outrage, but not much.

2006-08-08T20:57:00.000+01:00

'I have just been so incensed by an advert that I ran all the way upstairs to get my laptop so I could splutter my absolute affront at the Orange Animal Tariffs Advert... via the internet.'I yelp injury at my housemate. But really, though! The advert begins with aerial shots of people, lots of people, groovy beach kind of people, all human racing up and down in the sun, airborn voiceover swoops

on days like these...

2006-08-06T16:27:00.000+01:00

Bit of an idle comics reading and snacking day. I have abandoned the self-imposition of 'doing some stuff for work' on a sunday for a small variety of religious, economical, psycho- and physiological well-being reasons.So! What's been next to the brunch plate? Garth Ennis and Glenn Fabry's The Authority: Kev book as borrowed from Brixton Library - use it or lose it! As expected, funny as fuck

and so it dragged endlessly on and on

2006-08-02T21:15:00.000+01:00

As the people of the middle east continue to hurl insults and munitions at each other, it's good to see the rest of the planet taking swift action to bring us to a point which is nearer a preliminary stage in the initial part of the process of beginning to create a draft framework for the structure by which negotiations around really starting to make a breakthrough in getting all the involved

Apocalypto 2: It Gets Worse

2006-08-01T17:55:00.000+01:00

Mel Gibson has admitted to 'making anti-Semitic remarks' while being arrested.Fucking brilliant! I await with eager anticipation the headline 'Gibson admits to fifteen counts of pederasty with diasabled Palestinian orphans'. Then we'd really see it all go Apocalypto.

'Yeah mate, so drunk...Apocalypto.'

2006-07-29T01:56:00.000+01:00

Having fallen off the wagon then my bike last night, my self-loathing and sore jaw is mitigated somewhat by the illustrious company I keep.You're drunk. Step away from the vehicle. That includes bikes, you gash-chinned lush. It's unseemly.Rain on the way, at last. London swelters, the parks are like scrubby deserts with trees and little oases of flowers, which it is permitted to water. No wonder

Horse Feathers

2006-07-26T22:17:00.000+01:00

First off, sorry about the fonts in the previous post. It was supposed to be a moderate level rant, not ALL SHOUTING from about half way. Blogspot not doing what I wanted: as in typo/ blography, so in global human interaction. Ho hum.So: Last few days, there was a flurry in the sports pages over a jockey, Paul O'Neill, who was thrown by his apparently troublesome horse, CityAffair, after a race [

People of Earth: GIVE IT A FUCKING REST.

2006-07-24T23:26:00.000+01:00

O Lebanon, O Israel. O hapless and absent Anglo-American culture mine.I was going to write a well-reasoned critique, all balanced historical research and culturally sensitive theory in conjunction with neatly phrased rhetoric and insightful commentary.What I actually want to say is GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!PUT THE FUCKING ROCKS DOWN FOR A MINUTE!AND YOU! GIVING THEM THE ROCKS AND

Peter Tatchell Misreads Sun Pro-Gay Sex Orgy Item

2006-07-15T11:28:00.000+01:00

In what proved to be a tempestuous spat of considerable brevity, Cristiano Ronaldo of Portugal 'got Rooney sent off' during the 2006 World Cup. Rooney had extricated himself from two tenacious man-markers, and his final foot-setting was either intended for balance or to get the opponent in the nuts - perhaps a touch of both, just one of those things.The initial tone of the media response,

The Way We Live Today

2006-07-11T13:12:00.000+01:00

So, I was surfing about trying to find the appropriate links for an article in the Metro [scum free paper made by the same Nazis that sneeze out Daily Mail etc]. Doesn't matter what, the moment's gone. Anyway, their 'latest metrobloggers' links led me on a sorry five minutes of lunch hour infuriation. Check out this moany cunt.This blog is one of the principle reasons I shied away from joining in

My Nightmare

2006-06-22T14:30:00.000+01:00

One day, one of the cave dwellers slips free of their chains, haltingly makes their way, blinking, to the mouth of the cave, then stumbles back to report that the shadow on the wall is indeed that of Vernon Kay.

Giant Ass Police Sniper

2006-06-21T16:41:00.000+01:00

New cartoon series, 'Assy McGee'. Completely brilliant... but, no, really, seriously, is this a spoof or not? Someone got money for THIRTEEN episodes of this? Really? A GIANT ASS ROGUE VIGILANTE COP SNIPER?!?!?! [voice getting higher and higher with incredulity...]No, probably not. The internet is a tissue of lies and distractions. Look, a sleepy baby cat. Now get back to work, fuckheads. Money

World Cup: A few preliminary points of irritation...

2006-06-21T13:21:00.000+01:00

World Cup! Football excitement. A few preliminary points of irritation...1. Soccercentric advertising. Beverage companies in particular really like the 'crowd holding up bits of card to form a picture' image - Bud[weiser made by Anheuser-Busch] and Coke in particular in particular. The idea of mass-participation is obviously going to give an corporate enterprise a stiffy, so couple that with

Thanks Be To Bill

2006-06-10T09:14:00.000+01:00

Thanks indeed be to Bill. It must be pretty obvious to anyone reading this [post, blog] that the late/early Bill Hicks has been an influence on the writer - well, not so much an influence as pretty much a constant feature in the life of for about the last 15 years... yes, in an influential way but also in an antithetical way... Articles and critques which centre on speculations about a Bill Hicks

Lady Mucca

2006-06-07T16:24:00.000+01:00

Poor Heather. The Currant Bun [Britain's most widely read tabloid, and don't you fucking forget it] is currently help!ing ex-Beatle Sir Paul McCartney to not give away a couple of hundred million because of Heather's HORRIFYING past [or perhaps it's just because Tit Shots Flog Rag Non-Shock -WHO CARES? -] in 'HARDCORE PORN' pics.Whaaaaaat?!These reproduced pics of Heather Mills in cheapo

Science vs Faith: The 'debate' continues

2006-06-07T13:24:00.000+01:00

So in the Metro today there was report on the latest edict from the Pontifical Council in the Vatican, which said " 'Never before has human procreation, and therefore the family, which is its natural place, been so threatened as in today's culture.' " It blames feminism, same-sex unions, IVF, the use of contraception and abortion. [The edict, not the Metro report.]Contrast this opinion with these

I'm coming back... I will return... [Beastmania 2]

2006-06-07T12:52:00.000+01:00

from the Revelation of St Mark the Peripatetically Enthused4,xi: And o thankfully did the 6th of the 6th 2006 diminish, taking with it lots of quasi-religious beast-larks.4,xii: Which was a small bird which did have colossal boots its tiny legs appended thereunto and though it would take off in flight these boots would cause the playful little thing to crash to the ground crushing the people flat

beastmania

2006-06-06T14:23:00.000+01:00

Thanks to a confluence of the western calendar and the number six, everyone seems to be talking superstitious bollocks today.A close reading of the biblical text reveals the number of the magic mushrooms taken by St John on Patmos to be approximately 6.66 dried grammes... Through a glass, very darkly, etc.More on the beast when I've done at work... proof we're in the endtimes, it's the hottest

Your emotions...

2006-05-29T16:43:00.000+01:00

I was going to write an extended self-directed diatribe consisting of hair-shredding despair at my feeble and reactionary statements. Reacting against the worlds that intrude so rudely into mine day by day.Then I remembered that Jello Biafra and the dead kennedys had already formulated this:You're so boring boring boringAlways tape machine recordingYou're so boring boring boringI've heard all

football and women

2006-05-22T13:16:00.000+01:00

Like some hapless fuckwit character in 'Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps please' [note for people who don't watch British shit-coms inexplicably enjoying series after series despite toe-curling lack of humour: TPOLAAPOCP is about young professionals, their lives and loves. It's arse. In fact, that TPOLAAPOCP initialism is an accurate onomatopoeic representation of a robust stool

The criiime isssss life.... the ssssentence isssss DEATH!

2006-05-15T13:33:00.000+01:00

Judge DeathTony Blairspot the difference comp #2Well, I don't know if anyone else feels an uneasy sense of impending DEAD PLANET POLICE STATE when articles like this, detailing a Leader's plans to deliver 'speedy, simple summary justice' appear... populist rhetoric always a sign of impending dead political career.'He tells new Home Secretary John Reid he wants to see whether new laws are needed

So what is 'hard to beat', exactly?

2006-05-12T13:37:00.000+01:00

Hard-Fi article in the Grauniad 'film and music' section, The Hard-copy version of which I just endured in the gentlemen's reading room on a quick five minute comfort break at work, on a friday where the arguments for a mandatory four day week seem more compelling than ever.Working for a cash machine indeed. Alex Petridish talks about them being 'social realists', 'like' Kaiser Chiefs etc. Just

Digit Al

2006-05-05T10:40:00.000+01:00

Little Britain comic Matt Lucas is starring in a £200m campaign to publicise the switch to digital TV. Look, I'm just back off holiday and have yet to gather my thoughts properly. But if this is already the single most annoying concept in the world, can you possibly imagine what levels of discomfort it's likely to provide in seven years' - SEVEN YEARS' - time? I don't want to get all biblical

Mank Wolfenstein's Weekend News Digest

2006-04-14T19:31:00.000+01:00

Heh! This news item about a recalcitrant feline had the best headline...'Therapy and kittens fail to move trapped New York cat'. Someone at the BBC enjoying their job - dig that hip satire on those voguish modes, baby!Tabloid & TeletextPopworld communique of the week had to be 'OH MY GOD! Preston and Chantelle to wed'. Oh my god! No, i'm actually on my knees imploring here. My god stands next

GOD OF WAR: MY DRUGS HELL

2006-04-14T19:20:00.000+01:00

'I just can't be arsed' says former earth-render.

SPAAAAZZY! Spazzy spazzy spaz spaz spaz

2006-04-12T11:48:00.000+01:00

Tiger Woods has been forced into making an apology for using the word 'spaz' cazually.Cerebral Palsy is an inconvenient condition to have. Spaz is a derisive and offensive term. One of those sentences is factually accurate.SCOPE forbid anyone from using the term 'spaz'. SCOPE used to be called the Spastics Society. But not any more. Now they've rebranded. SO NO ONE CAN USE THE WORD, OR ITS

Kong my whopper

2006-04-03T19:01:00.000+01:00

I wish to commend Burger King for one of the most tightly knotted pieces of intertextual marketing it has ever been my privilege to witness. "Kong my Whopper". I know, without breaking stride as I sweep into the eaterie, that this means an outlandish amount of meat, in a bun. Whopper is already pretty big - whopping, even. And now they're offering to Kong - confer Giant Ape status upon - it. Well

pret a mourir

2006-04-03T14:46:00.000+01:00

I know I'm straying ever so close to writing about work things, but there's something about being re-immersed in the semi-fictive universe of employment, the city, etc [of which "'"'"'Popworld'"'"'" is one glamorous color-filled sattelite] every monday that invariably brings the hyenas of irritation guffawing round my door. get this. I was in well-known sandwich emporium 'pret a manger' - which

daaanger-mOOUUUUUSSSE! etc

2006-04-03T13:13:00.000+01:00

BBC news tells us that the only chart that counts has entered a new epoch...so, first download only release to get to number one! living in interesting times (chinese cursed by last post, clearly) the tune itself is pretty neat - today is the first time i've heard it, given that radio 1 usually totally passes me by, and boy do i feel superannuated as E V E R Y O N E at work asks who's playing

truth is beauty, blah, blah, blah.

2006-03-27T13:39:00.000+01:00

I felt a bit sheepish about sticking that last post up. It seemed rather fatuous to be railing about anything as inconsequential as a television programme. In fact, it seemed insubstantial to be invoking 'theories' x and y as if there is any actual consequence of them in real life - post-modernity, pop culture, "culture", thingummy blah - particularly when bloggers around the world use 'virtual'

Popworld

2006-03-25T10:01:00.000Z

SEVERAL BREAKFAST COFFEES AFTER A WEEK WORKING INTEMPERATE RANT ALERTIn the context of watching saturday morning telly, and leaving aside for a moment the infinite capacity of humans to be horrible to each other with industrialised warfare, selfish consumption and all the other truly nasty things we get up to across the planet, leaving that aside, is there anything more objectionable in the