Orange sort of rhymes with outrage, but not much.

'I have just been so incensed by an advert that I ran all the way upstairs to get my laptop so I could splutter my absolute affront at the Orange Animal Tariffs Advert... via the internet.'

I yelp injury at my housemate. But really, though! The advert begins with aerial shots of people, lots of people, groovy beach kind of people, all human racing up and down in the sun, airborn voiceover swoops in smoothly, 'From a distance, people all look the same...' but it's not Bette Midler or Cliff Richard- thanks God! - it's the Orange Four Types of Animal Tariffs Advert Voiceover Man, a distant cousin of that annoying Magners Cider Voiceover Guy - you know, the pint of baileys & coffee bloke who is currently under contract with Magners Cider from Ireland to RUIN as many pop 60s beat classics [like The Zombies 'Time of the season'] as he can by TALKING OVER THEM in an ACTUALLY DEEPLY UNREASSURING Lovable Oirish Rogue brogue about how Magners are all about taking Time, Time Dedicated ToALRIGHTTHESONG'SFINISHEDNOW - who also thinks that adopting the bass baritone baby where you been gravel is the most compelling approach if you're trying to convince people that, hey, y'know, this isn't... it's not selling, it's lifestyle choice provision. Okay?

NO. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I wasn't even talking about Magners. The Orange Four Types of Balloon Animal Tariffs Advert continues. The Voice notes that 'When you get up close, everyone's different.' Following which socio-biological bombshell, the Orange Voice proclaims 'That's why we've brought out four new tariffs...' and then it all degenerates into meaningless babble, beach huts aglow with warm Orange firelight and the sickly green underlit chins of people texting their mates in the hut opposite, more balloon creatures randomly inflated and totemised, Tomcat, Budgie, Goldfish, Dog, I DON'T KNOW, IT'S RUBBISH.

Move back, back to the sudden deflation from 'everyone is different', which is somewhere around 6.5 billion, depending where you look, to 'four tariffs'. [!!! They might as well have called them black, white, brown and yellow.] Move beyond the somewhat tawdry fake Club Tropicana white trouserthon 'I'm A Celebrity Love Island, Get These Bastards Off Me' palm tree beach hut kind of imagery, weaving through the nonsensical Harry Potter/Boarding School 'you get assigned an animal, Badger, Rattie, Mole and Toad, and then you're in that House forever' whimsy, via a tedious torchlit parade of family of humanity virtual chat room bogus sense of community/revolution buzzmeme shite. What is left? The offer, the offer.

Four balloon animals. Is that it? We are clearly far beyond the potential problems of a lack of impact of, or essential respect for, a campaign predicated on the surely distressing idea that there are people who are coming to terms with their need for a fixed-term mobile phone contract and may conceivably require the help of some balloon animal types, to fetishise by way of a deflection from the mundane and financially inescapable mechanics of the actual network deal, one of a handful of uncomplicated, yet inextricable, schemata. This is an advert that shows Orange not only accepts these potential areas of objection but has moved on to the next stage, which is 'And these are the four balloon animals.' Thanks for that. But only four?

FOUR types for 6.5 BILLION people. Pah! You need at least 12 - ask any astrologer. I'm all for keeping it simple, but it would have been amuch better advert. Those two that are in the Orange cinema ones, 'Errrr, Badger, Catfish, Weasel, Mongoose, Otter, Badger,' 'You've had him,' 'Oh piss, er, Badger, Catfish, Weasel, Mongoose, Otter, Starling... Chimpanzee, Elephant... Tiger, Piranha, Woodworm and, er, er, Gerbil.' 'What do you get with Woodworm?' 'Um, tell-tale little round holes. And infinity texts.'

Which, you have to admit, is pretty daft. By the time I got to the Wind In The Willows bit I was all blown out anyway. I'm pay as you go with Orange. It's not like I'm oppressed or anything. [Housemate passes ice cream. Orange logo appears in corner of blog.]

Further activities:

Why not make up your own four Animal Fetish Tariffs?

Mine would be Penguin, Cat, Hound and Chicken.

Noanoa: Meerkat, Badger, Squirrel, Donkey

Tamara: Cat, Hedgehog, Wolf, Beaver

Or read about the Royal Family's network problems... Haw haw! 'Ermine, Swan, Hind, Unicorn.'