Titus Gein

Titus Gein. Advanced techniques for hands and feet.

You don’t need a five star review to know you have to own this… Nemesis on Artemis: Titus vs Beastman. All 24 rounds of the incredible Tri-Galaxial Championship Mega-Final, the bout that sealed the myth of DVRD combat artist Titus Gein.

Packed with more easter eggs than the Billionaire Bunny’s basket, what do you want from this release? How about the closing minutes, just after the roboref has signalled that it’s true, it’s over, and who is the man, who is the daddy of them all? Titus Gein checks himself in one of the hovering plasma screens which angle themselves about the skydrome, giving the vast crowd unrestricted views of the action. He straightens the muscular arm hefting the pugistik and points it straight at one of the swarming hovercams. He nods slowly, eyes fixed to the tiny lens. Zoom… one immaculate eyebrow arches, a smile spreads over the impassive face, and the blunt glowing blue stick is raised towards the dome of the stadium far above. Ecstatic cheers of release wash over him, and his head’s back. The other arm is raised, index and little fingers extended in the traditional thanksgiving gesture to the Church of Bruce. Down his arms and snaking under the black plastisteel vest, exhausted sinews cord and flex as he slowly circles the arena, beckoning the applause, the screams, the hysterical tears.

All the other moments to thrill and thrill again to… Beastman, dazed in defeat, swearing to 30000 News Universal syndicate channels that it will never fight again. “You could be champ again, Beastie, the biggest comeback?” Robohack blips excited. Shake of the big old shaggy head… Thick voice and a thorny claw jabs towards Gein and through busted beastly lips it spits “Nah… He’s the fucking champ.”

And then the heart-stopper, who can fail to have a lump in the throat? Titus catches sight of his lover, the pop event Eurydice, in the crowd. It’s there with its backing singers, the Harmonised Triplets – the hot hot hot identical uberbabes cloned at the Beyonce & Harry Knowles Institute of Stemiotics. After mouthing something at its group to general laughter, Eurydice extends one of its willowy arms and flicks up the index and little finger in response. A mini swarm of cameras clusters about it, and Eurydice pouts coquettishly for the estimated 115 billion lifeforms watching. Roars of approval. It brushes one of its fringes back over a shoulder with a free hand and returns its gaze slowly to Titus, who kisses the end of the pugistik and points it directly at Eurydice. The crowd goes wild, freeze frame on Titus, arm outstretched to his lover, and his victory theme cranks in, headlong and wilfully baroque, the familiar metallic octave leaps and fuzz heavy tones tracking the perfectly cut fight highlights as the credits trail across the bottom of the screen….

This was the fight that brought back the 3-G trophy – the fabulous triskaidekahedral amethyst trinket the size and colour of a fiery elephant, long thought forever lost to the perma-victorious brutal and merciless Fiscalons of the Artemiserian system. Back home, an entire planet went on a six day absinthe bender in celebration, officially sanctioned by President Bruce Dickinson XXVII of the High Church of Bruce. Earth, watery central globe of the triple world of Neu-Tron, loves Austracific maniac Titus. His legendary advanced techniques for hands and feet are beyond joyful to watch. Millimetre perfect timing, coiled aggression, and a gleeful love of his combat art.

Credits trail:
Bruce Campbell, Bruce Sterling, Jean Michel Jarre, Iron Maiden, The Fucking Champs, Freddie Flintoff, The Way of the Exploding Fist, Tekken 5, The Last Ninja, Flash Gordon OST, Frank Zappa.