The darkness of this house has got the best of us

Browsing the morning press, I come across this gift-to-satire headline.

David Gray Warns On Torture Music

What, has he got a new album out?

It's writing itself, as me and m'colleagues keep saying. Actually, fair play to the useless twunt. I know I usually say "BabylOFF" when I hear mention of him and his irritating music, but I can always switch channels. If I had a bag over my head, a rottweiler growling at my nuts and a bunch of half-wit marines making me wank off over the Koran, I'd probably even welcome a bit of James Blunt, such would be my despair.

When I was a kid, torture was something Germans in black trench coats in movies did to elicit information from the brave soldiers who would never talk. The fact that we (Britannia) were doing it in Long Kesh kind of passed me by, what with me only being six in 1981 and that. Now, thankfully, it's again safely removed, to big metal containers in the middle of the desert, and being visited on un-people on our behalf, not our fellow countryfolk.

As Michel Foucault observed in 'Discipline and Punish', "The right to punish, therefore, is an aspect of the sovereign’s right to make war on his enemies". Torture is not about what you know but making you not matter. Like a David Gray record I can switch off.

Let go your heart...

Amnesty International site

You can stick your Magna Carta up your arse

“We are the worst in the west! We are the worst in the west! We can lock people up without charge for up to 42 days! We have beaten Magna Carta! We have beaten habeas corpus, a cornerstone of democracy! The Barons, the Whigs, Emmeline Pankhurst, Henry Hunt, the Chartists, William Morris, Lord Steyn – we have beaten them all. We have beaten them all! James Somersett, can you hear me? James Somersett, I have a message to you from the 21st Century. We have written habeas corpus out of the English legal system! James Somersett, your boys took a hell of a beating! Your boys took a hell of a beating!”

Water lot of nonsense!

The last thing I wrote about was the targeted adverts from Googlemail, referring to the stupidly specific items available for people with too much money and a love of the gadget. I got another one this morning, prompted, I presume, by a Scottish pal's subject line 'A wee visit', meaning a visit of small yet perfectly formed size. Astonishingly literalist computer software thought I might be interested in this product, the Shewee, which, like the Teatool(TM), is so stupid that I suspect there is actually an office full of people dedicated to thinking this rubbish up and then emailing me about it to keep me occupied.

But look, here's a photo!
This is actually and metaphorically taking the piss.

What was even funnier was the other link connected with the same email that has a bunch of testimonial comments on it. I stand aghast that there are, apparently, people who have parted with five pounds for a micturative funnel. They are surely, surely all made-up or comedy responses, though - the claim by "Joe Bloggs" to have need of recourse to the Shewee since "loosing my penis in a motor cycle accident" (that'll teach you, Joe, you Ballardian pervert, you), for example.

I wait with bated breath to see what fresh hideous novelties are marked for my attention.

Up against the wall #323,237

The decline of what we laughing til we sobbingly call Western civilisation continues unchecked as a Google spyware sidebar commercial link informs me that I am now able to purchase a 'Teatool (TM)'.

The inventor, Dr Martin Almond [at which point the whole concept began to seem like an elaborate hoax perpetrated specifically to wind me up] expects to receive £5.45 for each 'Teatool (TM)'. That's five British pounds and forty five British pence.

"So over one hundred years after the introduction of the teabag in 1904 a practical device for handling them has just become available!"

This device doesn't even have an attachment for adding sugar. I checked. Teaspoons, for the sweet, enduring love of God, TEASPOONS.

I give up, once again. It is Lent.

Widespread gusset anxiety

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck, it's January the 21st of January, 2008! And I never even said 'happy new year' to the cyberworld. Do we still call it that? It seems like an age, is it Web 3.0 now? I can't keep up.

Great, so 2008 sees me in an enthusiastic frame of mind, and what could be better to ease one back into the blogosphere than the juxtapositioning of Paxman and pants?

He says - and I'm going to have trust Paxo here, as I do not use Marks and Spencer as my smalls providers - that the lack of 'adequate support' in the M & S male undergarment range is causing 'widespread gusset anxiety'. He wrote a letter to Stuart Rose about it [for some reason called Sir Stuart Rose in the above linky, and here as well, which is a bit previous - he's not actually been knighted yet...]

So that's all very funny, cheerful return to work, return to blogging, Monday smiles... Jeremy's in a win-win scenario because it makes him look both action for normal blokes bloke and also implies that he - ahem - needs that adequate support... ['yeeeeeeeees']... and certainly nothing at all to do with M&S needing some feelgood publicity and a bit of public attention. Hope Paxman's getting some money off them.